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AN OPEN LETTER TO OPEN-MINDED LIBTARDS
CHAPTER VII: FILET-O-FISH OFFERINGS TO A GOLD-PLATED IDOL
(Accompanied By Chants of YMCA)
MALTHUS MOSSBEETLE • 4:30 AM
I ought to be chief…because I’m chapter chorister and head boy. I can sing C sharp.
-Jack Merridew
If you've completed the 9th grade, you're probably familiar with Lord of the Flies, William Golding’s immortal novel about a group of boys stranded on an island. In the book, Jack nominates himself for chief. He argues his role in the choir qualifies him to lead their newly minted tribe. In this instance, Jack is unexceptional. Many people believe success in one arena guarantees success in another. Even if they’re entirely unrelated. The key difference between the novel and our reality is in the book, the other children don’t see the logic in the argument. In America, grown adults can’t tell the difference.
Before becoming president, Trump was a successful businessman. Someone so well versed in the Art of the Deal that he wrote the book on it. He was a powerful, no-nonsense visionary running a vast real estate empire. I know this because I saw it on TV. I saw him in Spin City, Home Alone 2, and 13 seasons of The Apprentice. Trump. Successful businessman. And a large business is no different than the government, right?
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They that make them are like unto them; so is every one that trusteth in them.
-The Bible
Trump is gaudy and cartoonish. He is an oaf, born rich, acting the part of a self-made man. He is a fake-tan fatty who orders his fast food with a Diet Coke. He speaks like a third-grader. The entirety of his life has been a hustle. In the past, he sold neckties, steaks, and a university experience worthy of a Ramada Inn by the airport. As president, he shills sneakers, bibles, and crypto coins.
If the president is the embodiment of American ideals, then what does Trump’s election tell us about ourselves? Easy. We value fame and money. We worship power. If you’re an authoritarian, it just means you don’t tolerate bullshit. Nothing else matters. Trump barely pretends to have a purpose other than his own selfish aims. He offers his followers a rusty, bent spoon, and they eagerly light the bottom and inhale.​
This is the most corrupt government in our history. During Trump’s first term, family members received sweetheart deals, and the government was overcharged for stays at his hotels. No one objected. This time, it’s much worse. In his second term, graft is rampant, and extortion has become standard practice. $TRUMP's various coins are the most in-your-face way to funnel bribes ever conceived. The Donald couldn’t be more obvious if he bought a single laundromat in Queens and declared millions in revenue. But no one cares. If anything, they celebrate him for it. Trump voters want him to be rich. It's how they see him. It doesn't matter if what he does is unethical or even illegal. They think it's smart. They know given the chance, they'd do the same.
It is time to stop lying to yourselves and face the truth. We are trash. A garbage people with no morals and less taste. So replace the Resolute desk with patio furniture and draft a new constitution on the back of a Denny's menu because this is who we are.
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